00:33.5
Matagal lang niyo rito?
00:37.8
Naswertehan lang namin.
00:39.6
Kasi they did not even publish it.
00:43.5
Pero paano niyo nahanap?
00:45.4
Magda-down na kami dun sa bahay, nakukuni namin.
00:48.1
Townhouse sa Visayas Avenue.
00:51.4
Oo, tapos sabi namin, tingnan lang natin yung last house na nagustuhan ko.
00:57.3
Para lang sure na sure.
00:58.2
Kasi yun na eh, magbibigay na eh.
00:59.7
Tapos habang tinitingnan namin yung last house,
01:03.0
may babae na nun, nagwawalis na matanda sa tapat nun.
01:06.9
So sabi namin, ay hindi talaga ito.
01:08.3
Sige, dun na tayo.
01:09.1
Mag-down na tayo.
01:10.1
At sabi niya, mam, naghanap ko yung bahay.
01:12.1
Sabi ko, oo, kaya lang sabi ko magda-down na kami ngayon eh.
01:14.9
Tapos sabi niya, kasi yung kapatid ko paalas papuntang US.
01:19.6
Tapos sabi ko, sige.
01:21.4
Ang feeling ko kasi nun, parang I have to look at all the options.
01:23.9
Kasi ano na, final na.
01:25.3
Sabi ko, oo, sige, tingnan namin.
01:26.7
Mag-beast lang po ako.
01:28.3
Tapos nag-beast siya, tapos saan ba tayo?
01:33.0
Dadaling kayo from QC.
01:35.3
So talaga, sabi ko pa kayo nun.
01:36.9
Magdanaw abin niyo.
01:39.2
30 minutes lang yun.
01:40.3
Tapos niya, mag-beast.
01:41.8
Hindi namin makapalag.
01:43.5
Kasi di ba nag-beast na siya.
01:45.6
Ito's an old lady.
01:47.3
So yun, nung makita naman namin, wow, it's such a magandang place.
01:51.0
Ganito na itsura niya nung dumating kayo.
01:53.5
Ito na, it's just the...
01:56.6
Bermuda grass namin.
01:57.6
Ano lang, Bermuda kasi nag-golfe yung dating niya.
02:00.1
And then when you saw it, ano, love at first sight agad.
02:03.8
Pero siya, sabi niya, it's too far.
02:08.1
Wala palang ka plano-plano na dito kayo titira.
02:11.1
Wala niya nung, ano, nung harbinero dati sa tabing...
02:15.1
From the side of the street lang.
02:17.8
Tapos sabi niya, ma'am, maganda ito.
02:19.1
Hindi ito, in the middle.
02:21.4
First time niya nagbunga ng ganito.
02:26.6
Ito nagtataka kami eh.
02:31.6
Kasi bata pa lang, nagsanga na siya.
02:36.6
Tignan mo yung kanyang...
02:38.6
Nagsanga siyang dalawa.
02:40.1
Oo nga, parang ganyan eh.
02:42.1
Tapos tinatanong nga kami, sabi nila, bakit ang bahaba?
02:45.1
Sabi nga, huwag po.
02:46.6
Pero nung medyo tumaas siya, hinati ko siya in two half.
02:51.1
Talagang tinanggal ko yung upper half kasi natataasan si Nonis.
02:54.6
Magiging mataas talaga yan.
02:57.2
Anyway, hinati ko in two half.
02:59.2
Tapos yun, sabi ko nga, inakausap ko nga ito eh.
03:02.2
Sabi nga, hindi ko pa namunga ha.
03:04.2
Oo yan, bumunga na.
03:05.2
Ang dami bulaklak, huwag.
03:09.2
Kailangan mong mag-research para kung ano yung kailang pataba na ibigay.
03:13.2
Parang hindi na kailangan pataba nito.
03:16.2
Hindi, parang lang maano.
03:18.2
Kasi parang siyang pregnant, tuman.
03:20.2
Kailangan alagaan.
03:21.2
Kailangan yung vitamins.
03:23.2
Sabi nila, magpe-perform daw kami dito.
03:29.2
Dati may apakanyan paakyat.
03:31.2
Tapos na ano na, na ano na ng ulan.
03:34.2
Bulok na ng ulan.
03:35.2
Have you ever performed dito?
03:39.2
Pero pwede naman.
03:41.2
Ito na yung audience.
03:44.2
Ang ganda guys, nung paligid nila.
03:46.2
Sobrang nakakatuwa.
03:48.2
Parang tagaytay vibes, no?
03:52.2
Dahil January, Feb.
03:54.2
Pero pag other months...
03:56.2
Mainit sa bulakan.
03:58.2
Guys, kasama na natin...
04:00.2
Nonny and Shemaine Buencamino.
04:03.2
Na nandito rin ngayon sa kanila.
04:05.2
Nakapakagandang bahay.
04:08.2
Nakakatuwa naman ang itsura ng house niyo.
04:14.2
Pusta naman ang buhay dito sa probinsya?
04:18.2
Kami blessed na na...
04:20.2
na accidentally na nahanap namin itong place na ito.
04:26.2
Tsaka marami kang mga paglalakaran.
04:27.2
Mga pagdi-jogging.
04:30.2
Ano ko nung mga malalaking aso.
04:33.2
Pero na meron siyang lugar na mga paglalaroan.
04:36.2
Yung mga empty lot d'yan.
04:38.2
Saka daming tarim na halaman.
04:42.2
Ikaw ang plantita?
04:43.2
Oo. Pero nung pumunta kami dito, wala akong alam.
04:45.2
Wala akong alam sa paghahalaman.
04:47.2
Talagang trial and error lang.
04:50.2
Research, research.
04:51.2
Ngayon nagkocompost na ako.
04:54.2
Iyan ang love story niyo.
04:55.2
Total valentine episode itong ating ano ngayon eh.
04:57.2
Paano pa kayo nagkakilala?
05:05.2
Yung resident company ng Cultural Center of the Philippines noon.
05:10.2
Tapos merong production noon.
05:12.2
Si Shemaine nagte-teatro sa UP.
05:15.2
Parang graduating na yata siya o kakagraduate na niya.
05:18.2
Pero kasama siya nung theater group na Dulaang UP.
05:21.2
Ako naman galing sa Repertory Philippines.
05:24.2
Nabalitaan ko na merong audition.
05:26.2
So nag-audition ako.
05:28.2
Tapos nakuha ako sa isang play.
05:31.2
Doon kami nagkakilala.
05:32.2
Pero hindi kami nagdigawan.
05:34.2
Mag-asawa kami sa play.
05:36.2
Yun ang role niya.
05:40.2
May girlfriend siya.
05:46.2
Nagiging ako sa kanya ng ano...
05:53.2
Mga gusto naman ang ganito.
05:55.2
But we were good friends.
05:56.2
Talagang mahilig kami magkwentuhan.
05:57.2
Mahilig kami magkwentuhan.
05:58.2
Tapos yung inuuwian niya malapit din sa akin.
06:01.2
Sa Timog ako nakatira noon.
06:03.2
Siya naman nakatira sa area ng Camias.
06:06.2
So sabay kami na Gigi pa uwi.
06:12.2
Iskisa ng balika.
06:22.2
Sa theater festival na siya yung stage manager.
06:24.2
Ako naman ay kasama doon sa cast.
06:26.2
Florante at Laura.
06:28.2
Tapos kailangan magkaroon kaming maging...
06:32.2
Parang meron kaming biliting.
06:34.2
Para doon kami inuuwian na malapit na lugar sa CCP.
06:40.2
Siyempre naman hindi ko nakikikwento yun.
06:46.2
Ang kwento ko yung talagang mas nagsama tayo.
06:51.2
Ang mga detalye yung kinikwento.
06:52.2
Ano yung mga detalye yung sinasabi ng tao nito?
06:53.2
Bakit hindi dapat makikwento yung detalye?
07:36.2
blog. Cat sair eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh ehоде
07:39.2
Wellwag na naman hindi mo magkaroon
07:40.5
Hallelujahk pelets
07:50.2
Tugnyaw tukso na kami.
07:52.2
Ha? Magkibigyan lang kami.
07:54.2
Pero mayroon bang attraction agad nung una mo siya nakita?
07:58.2
May linis ang toes niya.
08:01.2
Ano naman si Paang.
08:04.2
Inumalabas sa mga interview ko sa'yo.
08:07.2
Yung atinista kasi.
08:09.2
Tapos may dalang payong na hindi normal sa akin.
08:13.2
Tapos parang siyang...
08:14.2
Yung alam mo yung parang...
08:16.2
Napi-picture ko yung mga pare.
08:22.2
Tapos lagi lang yung t-shirt lang.
08:26.2
Yung plain na plain lang siya.
08:34.2
Kasi nagdo-dorm din ako nung panahon na yun.
08:37.2
So marami akong mga kaibigan nasa seminary.
08:39.2
Siguro na-influence din ako.
08:41.2
Nasa pananamit o sa...
08:45.2
Anong first impression mo sa kanya?
08:56.2
May attraction ba agad?
08:58.2
Siguro meron nga.
08:59.2
Hindi ko lang siguro ma-identify.
09:01.2
Ma-pinpoint during that time.
09:03.2
Ma-attract din ako.
09:04.2
Tapos I went for her.
09:10.2
Kasi naka-shawl pa siyang ganun.
09:12.2
Lagi siyang may shawl.
09:14.2
Tapos lagi niyang suot yung kanyang
09:16.2
jeans na kulay green.
09:20.2
Kailangan mo nalaman na...
09:23.2
E yun nga yung festival.
09:25.2
Kasi nga mas madalas kaming magsama nun.
09:30.2
Mas maraming kaming kwentuhan at samahan.
09:36.2
Marami kaming mga bagay na pinagkukwentuhan,
09:40.2
Hindi kami nauubusan.
09:42.2
Tapos kumisang nagsashopping kami.
09:44.2
Kasi doon na kami sa area na yun,
09:46.2
nagsashopping kami mga one or two times.
09:48.2
Lagi niyang tinatanong sa akin,
09:54.2
Parang lagi niya akong pinapa-decide
09:57.2
kung ano yung mga...
10:00.2
na mas maganda para sa kanya.
10:04.2
Normally pinakaawayan niyo?
10:07.2
Yung pinakahatampuan yung gano'n.
10:08.2
Marami kami pinakaawayan.
10:11.2
Ako kasi makalat, magulo.
10:15.2
Tapos pag nawawala yung mga gamit ko,
10:17.2
kasi tinago niya.
10:19.2
nilagay nang-organize ko lang.
10:21.2
Nang-organize niya pero...
10:23.2
bawat bagay may bahay.
10:26.2
So, yung mga papel dito,
10:29.2
Problema ko minsan,
10:30.2
nangihirap kanapin.
10:32.2
Ay, nami-misplace, no?
10:35.2
Pero naaalala ko kapag...
10:37.2
Bakit ka kumagalit?
10:38.2
Hindi yung misplace,
10:39.2
it's in the proper place.
10:41.2
pag nakakalimutan niya kung saan niya nilagay,
10:43.2
hinahanap niya sa akin.
10:45.2
So, ang sagot ko,
10:46.2
kung nilagay mo yan,
10:47.2
kung saan dapat yan,
10:48.2
makahanap mo ulit.
10:51.2
Fifty-seven na ako pero...
10:52.2
Yun pa rin ang issue.
10:54.2
Ganun pa rin ang nangyayari.
10:55.2
Para akong panganay.
10:58.2
And you've been married for how long?
11:02.2
Coming thirty-four.
11:04.2
Thirty-three last year?
11:08.2
Magta-twenty-four.
11:11.2
Magta-thirty-four.
11:12.2
Sorry, thirty-four.
11:13.2
Thirty-four years.
11:20.2
Anong okay naman?
11:25.2
paano mo i-describe yung thirty-four years na yun
11:29.2
It's like other marriages.
11:34.2
We had some difficulties.
11:37.2
Pero ano kasi eh,
11:39.2
from the start talaga parang...
11:42.2
ganun kasi ang tingin ko sa marriage eh.
11:45.2
it's really a covenant.
11:47.2
I mean, may kasunduan talaga kayo.
11:49.2
Through thick and thin, diba?
11:52.2
there was never really a question na
11:54.2
kahit na mahirap yung pinagdadaanan na maghihiwalay.
11:58.2
Parang, you have to work through it.
11:59.2
Ganun parati ang thinking ko.
12:01.2
And it's not about being romantic all the time.
12:03.2
A lot of times, talagang,
12:11.2
Pero iniisip ko na lang,
12:13.2
siguro marami rin akong nakakainis na qualities.
12:16.2
Sabantay lang kami.
12:18.2
So, hindi na talaga about romance to.
12:20.2
As a married couple.
12:22.2
It's a different kind of romance.
12:24.2
It's love, pero it's deliberate.
12:27.2
yung merong kaming decision na
12:33.2
muna ba tayong tandaan na maghihiwalay pa tayo?
12:37.2
Marami actually na kung kailan tumanda
12:39.2
saka naghihiwalay.
12:40.2
Pero kayo, never kayo umabot sa punto na,
12:43.2
It was never an option nga kasi eh.
12:46.2
Kahit na talaga pinagdaanan namin ng mga difficulties,
12:51.2
it was never an option.
12:53.2
Mahirap din yun kasi our marriage was being tested by
13:00.2
Sabihin na lang natin ganun.
13:11.2
I was into drugs.
13:16.2
So, it was unravelling na talagang sabi ko.
13:21.2
Ano sabi ko sa kanya,
13:22.2
we have, kasi sabi niya,
13:25.2
Aalis ako, aayusin ko, sabi niya.
13:28.2
we have to go together to a,
13:30.2
to a, marriage counseling na yun, diba?
13:34.2
You have to go to rehab,
13:42.2
new beginnings that time.
13:46.2
you have to go, kung hindi,
13:49.2
gagaling ko yung mga bata,
13:50.2
at iiwan ka namin,
13:52.2
hindi mga kami makikita.
13:58.2
Sabi niya ngayon,
13:59.2
kung tatago kami, hindi muna kami makikita.
14:01.2
Siyempre, naniwala ko, kasi medyo
14:03.2
high na high ako.
14:07.2
So the next day, we went.
14:12.2
I called my brother,
14:14.2
then siya sinamahan ako sa,
14:17.2
new beginnings naman, is a house.
14:19.2
It's not like there,
14:23.2
Actually, mag-i-inquire lang tayo noon.
14:26.2
Mag-i-inquire lang kami.
14:28.2
So, so he was amenable to that.
14:30.2
Pero pag-i-inquire namin, sabi doon,
14:33.2
huwag na kayong go na, ito na.
14:35.2
Ayaw na nga siyang pauwiin, diba?
14:37.2
Oo, tapos, ano na ako.
14:39.2
Hindi ako nag-umalma,
14:43.2
Kasi yun naman ang prominent na, ano diba,
14:45.2
may kasuntuan yun, diba?
14:47.2
And it's also my way of,
14:49.2
ah, gaining her trust again.
14:53.2
That was difficult.
14:54.2
Difficult times yun.
14:58.2
I was pregnant with our third child.
15:02.2
Lumalabas ka na yan sa mga, ano, movies?
15:04.2
Lumalabas na rin ako, ah,
15:08.2
well, during that time kasi,
15:10.2
that was the time that, ah,
15:12.2
hindi masyadong maganda yung career ko.
15:14.2
I had lots of time as idol.
15:19.2
And she was working a lot.
15:23.2
Tapos sa bahay ako,
15:25.2
parang aligaga, ganyan.
15:27.2
Trying to find some excitement.
15:31.2
Sino nag-introduce sa'yo sa drugs?
15:33.2
Kasama mo rin sa trabaho?
15:35.2
Ah, hindi sa trabaho.
15:38.2
Sa community, mga kaibigan.
15:40.2
Sa, sa, sa aming area where we live.
15:46.2
You did it for how long?
15:48.2
Bago ka na rehab?
15:50.2
Maybe about five years.
15:57.2
Kasi on and off naman siya.
16:01.2
Parang ano, recreational.
16:07.2
nagkakaroon akong medyo may mga
16:08.2
crisis sa sarili, sa buhay,
16:10.2
parang you turn to drugs.
16:12.2
So, yun yung period yun.
16:14.2
Ano yung mga napapansin mong
16:15.2
kakaibang kinikilos niya?
16:17.2
Yung ano, pag-isip ko sa gabi,
16:20.2
In the early morning.
16:24.2
ah, hindi ko, actually,
16:25.2
sinabi niya hindi.
16:26.2
Pag tinatanong ko siya,
16:27.2
sinasabi niya hindi.
16:28.2
Naniniwala ako kaagad.
16:30.2
Pero nung umabot na sa point na
16:33.2
ng kahit madaling araw,
16:34.2
oh, yun, sorry ko,
16:36.2
um, meron ng ano.
16:37.2
Pero sa, in terms of…
16:38.2
Sinasabi mo, magkisimba ako.
16:40.2
Ng madaling araw, ha?
16:43.2
alas-alas gusto sa umaga,
16:47.2
Araw-araw ka kasi simba.
16:51.2
Ilan yung point na hindi niya na
16:53.2
Masyado nang obvious.
16:54.2
Oo, yun nga, yung
16:55.2
madaling araw, wala.
16:56.2
Hindi lang madaling araw,
16:57.2
middle of the night, too.
16:58.2
Ito yung trigger nun.
17:07.2
pinagdudahan ko na hindi ko
17:11.2
So, inaaway niya ako.
17:16.2
Doon ako bumigay.
17:17.2
Sabi ko, sorry, I'm into.
17:21.2
It turns out, yung
17:23.2
siya yung pinakakamukha po.
17:34.2
dapat hinala kasi
17:35.2
hindi naman pala nandun totoo.
17:37.2
So, anong nag-i-reaction mo
17:39.2
yun nga, kung maganda siya talaga?
17:42.2
Punta tayo sa unya?
17:44.2
Gusto ko mag-rehab ka agad siya
17:46.2
kaya niya para ako to get out of here.
17:47.2
Gusto ko umalis sa ibang…
17:49.2
I wanted to leave.
17:53.2
Sabi ko, hindi, hindi.
17:54.2
And how long were you in rehab?
17:59.2
And then, after that,
18:00.2
doon supposedly may halfway house.
18:02.2
So, posa di, nire-recommend sa akin na for a month, uuwi pa rin sa kanila.
18:08.5
But I'll do my work as an actor and everything.
18:11.3
Pero papunta sa kanila sa gabi.
18:14.3
Hindi na nagawa yun because financially, it was a very expensive.
18:18.4
Mayayaman yung mga nandun.
18:20.2
Puro mga anak ng mayayaman.
18:22.0
It's a very, ano siya, hindi siya.
18:24.7
Parang ano lang, parang nagbababa.
18:25.9
Like a swimming pool.
18:28.0
Sarap ng pagkain.
18:29.5
Pero may rehab din para sa mga medyo hirap sa buhay.
18:35.3
Meron din, actually.
18:37.2
Pinapuntahan mo yung medyo high-end.
18:40.7
Gumaling ka ba talaga?
18:42.3
Alam mo, gumaling ako.
18:43.7
In the sense that, pero sabihin mong nag-stop ako, completely hindi.
18:49.8
Pabalik-balik pa rin yun.
18:50.8
Pero, inmento ko na sa'yo yun.
18:54.1
Kaya nga sabi ko nga sa'yo, nung pumunta ako sa Los Baños, yun yung pinaka total cut-off.
18:59.5
Kasi umalis kami out of Manila.
19:01.5
Yung distance kami.
19:03.8
Kasi yung temptation nandito sa Manila.
19:05.8
Andyan pa rin eh.
19:06.9
Tapos susubukan mo, pero hindi na pareho.
19:10.0
Hindi na gano'n kasi na ano na sa'yo yung, sa rehab yung, nakatulong siya.
19:16.7
Kasi hindi na masarap yung feeling.
19:19.9
Ipilitin mo mag-take ka, tapos hindi na siya gano'n ka-frequent.
19:24.8
And then you decided to leave Manila para makalimutan mo lahat.
19:29.2
Malayo sa'yo yung temptation.
19:31.2
Hindi, siya nag-decide.
19:33.2
Now I'm thinking about it, kasi it was like a whisper.
19:37.2
I was in church. It's so strange.
19:39.2
I was in church, tapos naka-ano ko na parang, it would be nice to raise kids in Los Baños.
19:46.2
Pero yun mo, nasa Manila ako, tapos all the way sa Los Baños.
19:48.2
Tapos sabi ko, ay, kailangan tanuyin ko si Tatang Nanding, Josef.
19:52.2
Pag nakita ko siya, kung may opening sa school sa Los Baños.
19:56.2
Yung Philippine High School for the Arts.
19:58.2
Kasi, di ba, director siya at that time.
20:00.2
Aba eh, paglabas ko ng simbahan, nandun si Nanding Josef.
20:04.2
Oo. So, tantangan.
20:08.2
Yeah, but we didn't act on it immediately, ha.
20:10.2
It took us about another year, right, before we moved.
20:13.2
Kasi it was uprooting eh, kahit sa from the theater community.
20:16.2
May mga anak na kami.
20:18.2
Oo, nag-aaral na yung mga bata. Uprooting talaga.
20:21.2
So now, parang, wow, thank you, Lord.
20:23.2
It was eight years in Los Baños.
20:26.2
Tapos, so, eight years na yun sa Los Baños.
20:28.2
Wala, never got back into, ano, into drugs.
20:33.2
Kasi ang dami mga artista, di ba, nalilist talaga, ano.
20:36.2
Kasi environment din talaga eh. Pag nandyan, di ba, mas mahirap humindi.
20:40.2
Saka mas, ano raw, mas parang ising ka. Pag gano'n, mas ano ka.
20:44.2
O kaso, may sakin, hindi siya nag-work. It made it worse for me.
20:50.2
Kasi, yung siya po, mataas ka. Pero...
20:56.2
Hindi, mayroon yung emotions mo. Manhid ka din eh.
21:00.2
Nung iiyak ka or magiging parang vulnerable ka, mahirap, mahirap ilabas kung high ka.
21:07.2
For some people, they were able to make it work na nagagamit nila sa trabaho.
21:13.2
Pero hindi pa rin maganda yung long term.
21:16.2
Masisira talaga ang tao.
21:17.2
Masisira ka. Kasi, the fact na yung wala kang tulog for so many days, masisira ka talaga.
21:26.2
Nag-play yung ano, yung pagiging religious mo dito sa problema ko dito.
21:32.2
Sa inyong mag-asaya.
21:36.2
Um, a lot of times talaga punta ko sa Diyos para humihinga ng tulong talaga.
21:44.2
A lot of times. Kaya rin I think our marriage lasted this long.
21:48.2
Because siya talaga ang una kong hinihinga ng tulong. Eh, sumasagot naman.
21:55.2
But you know what? Si Nonny was the one who made me first go and have a, kumbaga, a consistent spiritual life.
22:04.2
Um, kasi ano ako, UP eh.
22:08.2
Oo. Eh, siya Ateneo.
22:11.2
Tapos Opus Dei, father niya.
22:14.2
Oo. So, siya yung ano, isa yun sa mga activities namin nung nag-uumpisa pa lang kami.
22:20.2
Yung, ano, midnight mass, during Christmas.
22:23.2
Nagsisimba parate.
22:25.2
Siya ang naglapit sa iyo kay Lord.
22:28.2
And it played a big role.
22:31.2
Especially when you've reached yung sinasabi mong rock bottom.
22:37.2
Then you, you sincerely ask for help.
22:43.2
And yung parang you accept that you have no control over anything.
22:49.2
Then you depend totally.
22:51.2
That's when it, ano, matters.
22:54.2
Doon talaga nagmamatter yun.
22:56.2
Yun lang, mahirap lang i-sustain kasi pag okay ka na naman ha, minsan nakakalimot eh.
23:02.2
So, right nowadays, like, we try to be grateful.
23:07.2
Oo. Parang ang practice ngayon is that whatever good thing is happening to you, parang you have to build the habit of being grateful every time, every morning or every night.
23:17.2
Sabi mo nga kanina, sinasagot ka, di ba?
23:20.2
Kapag humihinga ng tulog sa kanya.
23:22.2
Ano kanya sinagot nung time na nawala si Julia?
23:37.2
Yun, ano, I really spent time, nag-retreat ako nun.
23:41.2
Yung three days na nagdadasal ka with, ano, with Opus Dei.
23:49.2
And asking questions.
23:52.2
Ano, ang sinagot niya ako, sabi niya, the very next day, sabi niya, kasi ang feeling ko nun, I don't know if this is true for all parents who have lost their child because of s**t.
24:04.2
Pero ang sabi niya sa akin, it's not your fault.
24:07.2
Yun kasi may feeling mo talaga, feeling ko nun kasalanan ko.
24:12.2
Kasi I was the parent, how could I not have seen it?
24:16.2
How could I not have stopped it?
24:18.2
Ang lakas nung guilt.
24:21.2
Na parang, I remember I was even confessing to the priest na parang hindi ko, I'm so sorry for her death.
24:30.2
Na parang, I really felt that I contributed to it as a mother.
24:35.2
Kasi ako dapat ang nilalapitan niya, diba?
24:37.2
Ako dapat yung nakakatulong sa kanya directly.
24:41.2
Pero yun, yun ang narinig ko nun na it's not your fault.
24:45.2
It is the will of God.
24:48.2
Parang, yun yung ano ko.
24:50.2
Yun yung narinig ko noon.
24:52.2
Kasi major yun eh.
24:53.2
Major bigat yun sa akin.
24:56.2
Immediately ba, natanggap mo agad na ganun talaga ang reason, it's the will of God?
25:02.2
Hindi ko natanggap agad.
25:04.2
Nandun pa rin yung blaming, self-blaming?
25:07.2
Oo. Sabi nga nila, boomerang yan eh.
25:10.2
Now and then, you feel remorse for not seeing it.
25:15.2
At least yun yung ano, for not seeing that she was suffering.
25:21.2
Which also, and then, well, talking to God, what do I do with this?
25:26.2
What can I do with this?
25:27.2
Kaya naman napunta ko sa advocacy.
25:29.2
Kasi parang, parang, if you don't, if you're not aware of it, kasi talaga it's very hard to see the signs.
25:38.2
But you don't see it.
25:39.2
Kasi you're not looking for it.
25:42.2
So parang, when I realized that na you have to look for it, a parent has to look for those signs.
25:48.2
Because it's there.
25:49.2
It's just, you know, sabi mo lang, it's teenage angst, or ano lang yan.
25:55.2
Yeah, she's poetic.
25:56.2
When we saw her poems about her pain, we said, ay, she's so poetic.
26:02.2
Not thinking that when she was talking about the voices in her head, it was literally voices in her head.
26:09.2
There was never a time that she asked for help?
26:13.2
From her friends, she did.
26:15.2
And the friends never told you anything about it?
26:19.2
Unfortunately, yeah.
26:20.2
The friends said, tell your parents.
26:22.2
And then, of course, siya, she said, yeah, I'll tell them.
26:25.2
But nobody really intervened.
26:28.2
Ikaw ba, Nonny, ganun din?
26:30.2
Hindi ba sa period of claiming?
26:32.2
Actually, iniisip ko nga rin yung dinaanan niya.
26:36.2
And I also went to a retreat.
26:38.2
Then I went to see a priest.
26:43.2
Sabi naman nung priest sa akin, sabi ko, kasi why does God let these things happen?
26:47.2
Why did He will to do it?
26:49.2
Sabi niya, it's not the will of God.
26:57.2
But it's not her fault because she is sick.
27:00.2
Yan ang sabi sa akin ng paa.
27:03.2
So ang ano ko lang talaga palagi is, okay, okay, I have to remind myself.
27:10.2
It's something that she went through.
27:12.2
Na wala siyang consciousness.
27:14.2
Or yung hindi siya.
27:16.2
Hindi niya full will yun at the same time.
27:19.2
Pero para sabihin, sabi niya, it's not exactly God's will.
27:25.2
But He allowed it to happen.
27:27.2
Because of things that we, it's hard to explain.
27:32.2
And then He said, sabi niya sa akin, ang buhay kasi, sabi niya, parang tapestry yan.
27:36.2
Sabi niya, ganun.
27:37.2
Ang ganda-ganda rito, sa likod, puro mga buhol-buhol-buhol.
27:40.2
Hindi natin naiintindihan kung bakit yung mga buhol-buhol na ka ganun.
27:44.2
Then you just discover.
27:45.2
Because you are just a human being lang na ano ka lang.
27:51.2
Maiitindihan mo rin naman yan in due time.
27:54.2
Well, that's the faith.
27:55.2
I Am Not Pretty by Julia Buencamino.
28:03.2
I am large in every way.
28:05.2
And my hair is wild.
28:07.2
And my face round.
28:08.2
And my lips are cracked.
28:10.2
And my fingernails ugly.
28:12.2
And my opinions are bold.
28:14.2
And my thighs are scarred.
28:16.2
From nights when the voices screaming in my mind were just too much to handle.
28:22.2
I was never meant to be pretty.
28:25.2
I've always been too loud.
28:28.2
Filling too much space.
28:30.2
Vetoing art for smeared graffiti across the sky.
28:34.2
I was meant to leave blood stains on everything I touched.
28:39.2
And the ink blots on my fingertips don't fade.
28:44.2
But you don't look at the sun and think of prettiness.
28:50.2
The sun is a star.
29:00.2
Warmth touches you with a gentle caress or gets you in a wild slap.
29:06.2
And there is nothing in between.
29:09.2
The sun crashes and sings.
29:13.2
It is everywhere.
29:15.2
All who gaze at it jerk away, blinded.
29:19.2
The sun cannot be contained in the word pretty.
29:23.2
It is the nearest of stars.
29:25.2
And stars are not defined by pretty.
29:29.2
And I am trying to learn from it.
29:35.2
That's just one of the poems.
29:38.2
What are the drawings?
29:47.2
Maybe it's watercolor.
29:48.2
I'm not really sure.
29:49.2
What's the signature of it?
29:53.2
That's her signature.
30:07.2
There's a signature.
30:08.2
Yes, there's one.
30:09.2
The other one doesn't have a signature.
30:11.2
Oh, ito may mga letters po siya.
30:13.9
Oo, No School Today.
30:16.6
May part ng diary yan.
30:17.7
Oo, journals niya.
30:20.4
So you kept all the letters?
30:23.6
Si Shamin was the one who found all these.
30:26.4
Hindi ako masyadong maka...
30:29.1
Si Shamin matapang.
30:32.0
Anong nararamdaman mo pag ganyang nababasa mo?
30:35.6
Mas kaya ko na kasi yung mga poetry,
30:38.5
pinapabasa sa akin ni Shamin yun sa pag nagtutok siya.
30:44.8
So nakailang ulit-ulit na rin ako.
30:48.2
Nung una, mahirap.
30:54.7
Nakakalungkot pa rin.
30:55.9
Pero mas kaya ko nang i-share.
30:59.3
Yan na, sa picture na yan.
31:00.8
Siya ito nung five years.
31:02.6
Maybe five years old.
31:08.5
Pa-toys ba niya yung mga yun?
31:14.2
Parang ano na ito.
31:15.9
Yung kanyang mini shrine.
31:19.6
Ito, this is her signature.
31:25.0
Julia Luis Centenera Buen Camilo.
31:30.7
She passed away what year?
31:34.1
So this was one of the last ano.
31:40.8
Mayroon mga poetry niya.
31:41.9
Yan, yung sulat lang yung sanubok niya.
31:43.7
Mayroon lang talaga siya magsulat, ano?
31:47.0
And then these are all her journals.
31:50.4
These are all her journals.
31:54.0
So, we could have opened them.
31:56.5
But we were just...
31:59.8
We were just trying to respect her.
32:03.6
But maybe we could have, no?
32:05.8
Since they're minors.
32:09.3
Kailangan kang wag kang mahuhuli.
32:11.4
Kahit minors, eh.
32:12.3
Parang ngayong panahon kasi parang...
32:13.6
Kasi i-respect, diba?
32:14.9
May boundaries, sabi nila.
32:17.2
Respect may boundaries.
32:18.6
Yun ang mga ano nila, eh.
32:21.5
So you never read those?
32:24.0
When she passed away...
32:25.2
Binasa mo lahat siya?
32:26.5
Not because we wanted to understand, no?
32:29.3
Oo, nandyan lahat.
32:30.5
Tsaka we understood that
32:32.4
from 11, 10 years old,
32:36.1
she was already having...
32:37.1
having suicidal thoughts.
32:40.5
Meron siya mga drawing
32:46.6
So, it's in the back of her mind.
32:49.2
Yung kanyang, ano...
32:51.3
Yung kanyang sadness or depression.
32:55.3
It's not even sadness, eh.
32:57.5
Depression is different from sadness.
33:01.3
pero hindi namin talaga...
33:03.6
Hindi naman kami...
33:07.1
Nag-attend na kami ng...
33:08.1
I wanna talk about that
33:09.3
kasi bakit mga parents
33:10.4
na nanonood sa akin ngayon,
33:12.4
hindi nilaan kung paano i-handle.
33:14.0
In retrospect lang.
33:16.2
Yung bawa, yung, yung ano,
33:23.8
hindi nga ang dami-dami kinakain
33:25.0
tapos yun lang...
33:25.9
Yung bawa, barbecue,
33:27.8
May parang may pagka-obsession.
33:29.2
Pero kuminsan naman,
33:29.9
ayaw kumain ng ilang oras.
33:32.8
Tapos kuminsan naman,
33:33.8
yung tulog ng tulog,
33:35.2
hindi gumigising.
33:36.8
there's something
33:39.1
for a long period of time.
33:42.3
yung moods kasi kami,
33:45.2
nasanay kami sa mga,
33:51.1
so very expressive kami
33:52.9
or the way we talk,
33:56.1
at the same time,
33:57.3
you can also pay attention to
34:01.4
parang meron siyang mga strong,
34:05.0
hindi na logical,
34:06.8
na bursts of temper
34:10.5
medyo sign na yun.
34:11.6
Lalo na kung madalas.
34:14.3
So, yung mga gano'n,
34:18.7
baka siguro may nangyari
34:19.9
sa mga anak namin na gano'n,
34:22.1
yung pagbabago ng behavior,
34:25.3
more than one week,
34:26.3
almost two weeks,
34:28.0
then we can already
34:30.5
In fact, may pinuntahan kami
34:31.6
yung mga talks na gano'n,
34:33.3
na psychiatrist na nagbibigay
34:35.5
kung ano yung mga signs,
34:36.8
na for depression.
34:39.0
Even yung mga kapatid niya,
34:40.5
wala rin naramdaman
34:44.8
wala rin silang alam.
34:45.9
Si Julia had cuts
34:47.8
That's one of the red flags
34:54.7
and Nonnie noticed it
34:56.7
and informed me about it.
34:59.5
And then, we asked her,
35:02.1
bakit may mga ano ka?
35:03.8
Bakit may mga ano ka?
35:08.0
Tapos, sabi niya,
35:09.0
accident sa school.
35:12.7
Tapos, ano pa nga eh,
35:16.2
was telling me pa na,
35:17.9
I don't believe her.
35:23.6
he asked her again,
35:25.2
nagalit na sa kanya,
35:26.5
why don't you trust me?
35:28.6
You don't believe me.
35:29.4
You don't believe me.
35:33.8
eh, ano na pala yun?
35:35.2
Talagang, ano na yun?
35:36.8
O, sign na pala yun.
35:38.4
Tapos, meron siyang suot na,
35:43.9
Tapos, yung pala,
35:44.6
meron din siya rito.
35:46.0
Hindi pinapakita.
35:47.3
Kaya, laging yung suot yun.
35:48.0
May bracelet siyang laging yung suot.
35:49.3
Oo, akala lang namin,
35:55.6
yung sabi nga nila eh,
35:57.1
invite them to swim,
35:59.0
mag-swimming kayo.
36:00.2
marireveal yung iba kasi,
36:01.4
laging lang naka,
36:05.2
they try to do it
36:06.9
in areas na tago,
36:10.3
sa generation na to,
36:14.6
Tsaka sa mga ibang bata din,
36:20.3
they feel so much pain
36:22.4
that they just want to physicalize it
36:24.8
para the pain is on their skin,
36:28.1
Bakit kaya nila ma-express
36:32.2
para humingi ng tulong?
36:33.6
Well, I guess they're saying,
36:36.1
sa communication.
36:41.8
May takot sa sabihin.
36:43.1
Pero at the same time,
36:55.1
Like, for example,
36:57.1
Anthony Bourdain,
36:58.3
nobody would have known.
37:00.8
mayroon pala siyang problema.
37:03.4
Maraming magugulat ka na lang
37:05.2
na ganun palang katindi,
37:07.1
it reaches the point
37:08.3
where they'll take their life.
37:09.7
You wouldn't really imagine.
37:11.5
We couldn't really imagine
37:12.8
that she would have been capable.
37:14.8
Hindi namin talaga ma...
37:15.7
Talagang shocked na siya kami.
37:16.9
Artista siya rin, di ba?
37:18.7
Acting pa, basic pa sa,
37:23.9
maraming siya ginagawa.
37:25.1
Pero yung artworks niya,
37:26.1
hindi niyo nakita yung, ano,
37:27.6
yung mga dark na, ano niya?
37:29.2
Di ba meron siya mga dark artworks?
37:30.9
Yeah, but it wasn't,
37:32.6
pag hindi mo naman
37:35.4
yung generation niya,
37:36.5
ganun din ang mga,
37:38.6
yung mga Japanese art and what.
37:42.7
Parang similar to all the others eh.
37:46.9
parang you don't even consider
37:51.0
magagawa ng anak mo yun.
37:53.7
Kaya sa advocacy namin,
37:56.4
pagkausap ko mga estudyante,
37:58.6
pa kahit na magkasirani
38:00.2
yung friendship niyo,
38:01.1
because you have to,
38:02.6
tell on your friend.
38:04.8
tell on your friend.
38:05.8
Sabihin mo sa teacher,
38:08.3
or just to save a life.
38:10.6
Paano na-apektohan yung pamilya niya
38:12.0
ng pangyayari niya?
38:15.9
we became closer.
38:21.0
we felt comfortable with each other.
38:26.1
there really is a strong stigma.
38:28.1
May hirap pa itindihan ng iba.
38:30.5
So, ang nangyari,
38:31.2
may tendency parang,
38:32.6
you don't want to see others.
38:36.0
nagkaka-indindihan tayo.
38:36.9
Lalo na yung judgmental public na
38:37.9
ang tingin na ganit sa'yo,
38:38.9
nagpabaya ka magulang.
38:40.5
Kahit sa mga anak namin,
38:41.8
hindi naiintindihan
38:42.7
nung kanilang mga girlfriend
38:47.7
My daughter lost a friend
38:49.5
because hindi niya masakyan
38:51.3
yung pinagdadaanan niya,
38:54.2
So, you bonded together,
38:56.4
nagtulungan kayo.
38:58.2
Madali pang nawala yung pain.
39:02.0
O nandiyan pa rin yun?
39:04.7
Every now and then.
39:06.1
It never goes away.
39:07.9
Just learn how to handle.
39:09.8
Sometimes even laugh about it.
39:14.5
It changed our life.
39:16.4
Ganun naman yata talaga
39:17.6
yung loss, di ba?
39:19.3
Kasi mahal mo eh.
39:20.9
Hindi naman nawala
39:21.7
yung pagmamahal mo
39:24.6
But, it's such a,
39:27.0
it's such an extraordinary
39:32.0
mahirap maintindihan
39:38.9
sineselebrate niyo pa rin
39:40.1
yung birthdays niya?
39:42.1
How do you do that?
39:44.7
And then, a lot of times
39:46.2
I ask Nonny to, ano,
39:47.5
to cook her favorite dish.
39:51.5
Tsaka, the good thing now,
39:54.6
we can laugh about,
39:56.3
remember the funny things
40:06.3
that's why I went into
40:07.4
art journaling actually
40:11.8
I needed to process it
40:14.0
on a regular basis.
40:18.9
sa sobrang sakit.
40:21.2
nung napaprocess ko siya
40:25.0
I sit with my sadness.
40:32.0
naman lang yung waves
40:35.4
I allowed really myself
40:38.5
to be with my sadness.
40:44.8
Yeah, that's Julia.
40:48.8
drawing niya nung bata pa siya.
40:51.3
mga numbers niya.
40:55.9
A book that she loved.
40:59.7
Actual, ano niya ito?
41:03.4
Yeah, sulat niya.
41:05.8
I really use her,
41:11.9
but this is her writing.
41:14.6
This is a piece of paper
41:15.6
that she wrote on
41:16.5
when she was still young.
41:21.9
yung mo may drawing,
41:27.1
tapos may sulat siya.
41:34.8
I'm connecting to her
41:37.9
when I think about her,
41:40.5
when I'm working.
41:43.2
very contemplative yung,
41:48.1
We feel better with you.
41:50.1
When you do this.
41:52.2
Parang therapy siya.
41:56.3
it's an influence of art journaling
41:57.8
as far as I'm concerned.
42:00.3
even before I paste,
42:09.5
I send her a message,
42:10.9
or I talk about my feelings,
42:12.3
or I talk about the moment.
42:16.5
nakuha mo talaga yung,
42:26.8
yan yung tinitingin niyo sa akin
42:28.2
yung sikreto ko sa panaginip.
42:32.4
nakadagan siya sa akin.
42:33.2
Oo, kaya nang mukha niya.
42:33.8
Kaya nang kalapit.
42:36.0
Parang nangyayagano.
42:40.6
When you pray to,
42:43.8
what do you usually tell her?
42:54.5
I miss you very much.
42:55.6
I love you very much.
42:58.3
it's always I love you.
43:03.2
And we were very,
43:07.1
we love each other,
43:09.8
affectionate kami.
43:11.8
nami-miss ko yun.
43:14.0
I'm always thinking
43:18.8
hindi ko maiwasan
43:19.6
yung mga traditional na stigma na,
43:24.6
kapag ikaw nagpakamatay,
43:28.9
pati mismo mga pare naman,
43:31.8
nag-aano sa akin na,
43:33.9
nag-assure sa akin na,
43:36.2
you can never really judge,
43:38.5
but at the same time,
43:41.5
I pray for her na,
43:45.8
yung mga dreams ko
43:48.3
parang it confirms
43:49.2
that she's in a good place.
43:51.2
it's always good dreams.
43:56.6
kasi mga prankster yan eh,
44:00.9
nakadagan siya sa,
44:02.6
15 years old na siya,
44:06.4
Nakadagan siya sa akin,
44:09.4
nakaganyan yung mukha niya sa akin.
44:11.3
nakaganyan siya ganyan.
44:13.3
iyak ako ng iyak ng iyak.
44:15.1
parang nakangiti lang na,
44:17.0
parang tinutukso niya ako na,
44:20.2
tingnan natin kung makakaalis ka dito.
44:22.8
ganun yung tingin niya sa akin.
44:26.3
sobrang lungkot ko na,
44:27.7
at that particular moment,
44:29.3
alam kong wala na siya.
44:31.1
Pero totoong-totoo siya
44:32.1
nakadagan sa akin.
44:34.3
But sa pagising ko,
44:36.3
Every time I dream about her,
44:41.1
I think it's the same experience with her.
44:43.4
When we dream about her,
44:45.1
we feel good pagising namin.
44:48.0
pinaparamdam niya sa inyo.
44:51.4
anong mga dreams mo?
44:55.5
matagal ko na siyang
44:57.4
na papanaginipan.
45:00.4
yung last ko siyang napanaginipan,
45:06.3
Yung walang-walang
45:07.3
Christmas spirit.
45:09.5
but she came to me na bata pa.
45:19.2
iyak ako ng iyak.
45:21.4
Iyak ako ng iyak.
45:22.7
And I knew in my dream
45:23.9
that she was going
45:25.9
Alam ko na aalis siya.
45:27.7
We were going through
45:29.3
that didn't make sense.
45:32.2
tapos madusing siya,
45:34.6
sinasabi sa akin,
45:35.6
madumi yung anak ko.
45:36.5
Parang ganun-ganun type lang.
45:39.6
walang definite na kwento
45:43.0
alam kong aalis siya.
45:44.2
And I was crying,
45:47.2
E yung prayer mo sa kanya?
45:48.1
Ano yung lagi mo sinasabi sa kanya?
45:52.3
Nag-iiba yung prayer ko.
45:54.6
na ang prayer ko talaga,
45:57.4
Bakit mo ito ginawa?
45:59.7
Kasi yung iniwan niya
46:02.5
nag-sorry pa siya sa amin eh.
46:03.8
Sorry for doing this
46:06.2
Naganyan pa siya.
46:08.1
and I know you love me.
46:11.7
mga messages niya sa amin.
46:12.9
And I'm so thankful.
46:13.9
When I talked to her,
46:15.3
that you left that for us.
46:18.1
it makes the pain easier.
46:21.8
ano pa rin talaga yung
46:23.1
miss talaga miss.
46:26.1
kung sinasabi ko sa kanya,
46:28.4
na ini-imagine ko kung ano ka.
46:30.5
Kung ano ka na ngayon.
46:32.5
kasi may apo na kami.
46:35.5
you will be such a
46:38.5
Because she loves children.
46:40.4
She loves children.
46:42.7
is so much like her.
46:46.6
Yung personality babae.
46:50.3
Tapos ma-perform.
46:54.6
si Julia kasi kahit bata pa,
46:56.5
kahit sino kakausapin.
46:59.3
So, they're so similar.
47:01.5
Siguro sa mga parents out there,
47:03.3
ano gusto nyo sabihin sa kanila?
47:06.0
Lalo na yung mga nakakaranas
47:07.2
ng mga problema sa mga anak nila.
47:10.5
Siguro kahit na nakukulitan na kayo,
47:13.0
or kahit na mahirap ng paniwalaan
47:15.7
na may pinagdadaanan sila,
47:20.2
punahin nyo muna na
47:21.8
baka kailangan niya ng tulong
47:24.6
Baka kailangan niya ng tulong
47:26.1
na hindi mo kayang ibigay.
47:28.0
Na pwede mong ihingi sa iba.
47:32.4
Katulad ng counselor,
47:33.6
katulad ng therapist,
47:34.8
katulad ng mga site.
47:43.8
in this day and age,
47:46.2
with our culture,
47:47.7
and what's going on
47:48.6
with social media
47:51.2
there is always that possibility
47:53.0
that your child is
47:55.3
without your knowledge
48:02.5
to unburden herself.
48:11.5
be with your child,
48:13.4
observe your child more,
48:17.2
Don't ignore the signs.
48:22.5
it's really just to be
48:24.5
enjoy your child,
48:26.1
and be even more patient.
48:31.6
I always tell parents to
48:33.3
be on an active role,
48:36.4
to take an active role in it.
48:38.4
And it's more than just
48:40.0
being with your child.
48:42.0
kasi parents are also in denial
48:43.5
kasi we think that
48:45.2
we're taking care of our children,
48:47.1
we have good communication,
48:48.1
we love them so much,
48:49.1
so that can never happen
48:53.3
go and investigate,
48:56.5
Go and look at her notes
49:00.2
look at his things.
49:01.7
nandun yun sa sinusulat nila,
49:03.4
nakatago lang sa diary.
49:08.7
really look for signs.
49:10.9
Yung journal niya,
49:12.2
Nandun lang sa kwarto namin.
49:13.9
Kung binukas sa amin,
49:16.0
Kung nabuksan namin,
49:17.7
But we were saying na,
49:19.2
we were confident
49:22.1
that we don't have to
49:23.6
and we trust them
49:26.0
yung the usual ano
49:28.3
binigay naman namin
49:29.7
lahat ng pwede namin
49:32.3
ang feeling mo parang
49:36.1
it's an illness nga
49:37.2
and it can hit anyone
49:39.5
kahit na yung pinaka
49:40.6
healthy environment.
49:44.4
may doktor nga nagsabi
49:45.4
parang flu daw yan.
49:46.8
Parang flu dumadapo
49:50.5
kahit anong economic,
49:55.0
look for the signs.
49:57.9
if we can save a life,
49:59.7
dito sa interview na ito,
50:02.9
or maybe mas marami
50:05.9
mas malaking bagay yun.
50:07.6
Thank you for sharing
50:08.7
your stories with us.
50:10.4
Valentine's Day pa man din.
50:12.6
But this is a different
50:13.7
kind of Valentine.
50:14.7
This is love for your
50:18.3
Love for your precious children.
50:20.8
At kung kaya pa ay
50:25.2
Di dapat mangyari.
50:27.1
But also love for your partner.
50:33.6
Thank you for having us.
52:00.5
Lisa Frankenstein
52:02.7
in the US box office.
52:04.8
Thank you so much.
52:06.1
I'm just so overwhelmed
52:09.3
and love for the film.
52:10.6
And I'm just really excited
52:11.6
for what's in store.
52:12.5
I'm actually immensely proud
52:16.0
because they all worked
52:16.8
very hard on this project,
52:18.0
especially Zelda.
52:18.7
This is her first
52:21.0
And she poured her
52:22.1
heart into this project.
52:23.7
Subscribe to this channel,
52:26.4
and post your comments below.
52:29.5
the notification bell.
