Why Barbie Almalbis Felt Empty At The Peak Of Her Career | Toni Talks
01:17.9
So, nung nagsusulat ka ng mga songs, dialect nyo or English?
01:21.0
Well, sadly, sadly, during, yun nga, growing up,
01:24.0
parang wala masyado akong naririnig na songs in my,
01:26.9
in hiligay nun, you know, on the radio, walang pop music na ganun.
01:29.8
So, English yung napapakinggan kong songs.
01:33.5
So, ano ang mga musical influences mo, no, nung 14?
01:36.2
Well, yung musical influences ko was my family,
01:38.9
kung ano man yung tinutugtog ng family ko.
01:41.0
When my mom was into the Beatles, mga ganyan.
01:43.8
But, yeah, may church choir sila, yung lola ko, lolo ko, mom ko.
01:49.1
So, laging may music sa bahay.
01:51.2
So, ang family, ang mom's side, ang musically inclined.
01:54.7
Musically inclined, yeah, they all,
01:56.9
nagsusulat sila ng songs, then para sa church,
01:59.8
My lola's brother is a priest who wrote Pananagutan, yung...
02:03.6
O, ano yung Pananagutan?
02:06.1
Yung, tayong lahat ay may pananagutan sa isa't isa.
02:13.1
Tayong lahat ay tinipon ng Diyos na kapiling niya.
02:18.8
That's my lola's brother, si Father Antiveros.
02:22.2
So, nasa family talaga. Ang galing nun, ah.
02:24.8
Yan nga, it wasn't even music, it wasn't even a certain kind of music
02:27.9
that got me into, you know...
02:29.8
It was really just the instrument.
02:32.6
Parang, I learned to play the guitar, I learned to play the piano.
02:37.2
Nag-gigitar ka na?
02:38.4
Eleven. Eleven ako nag-start.
02:40.5
My lola and my mom.
02:42.0
Ano mga topic ng mga sinusulat mo nung fourteen ka?
02:44.6
Hindi ko na maalala eh. Pero,
02:46.7
pero during that time, wag ko na mga tape eh.
02:48.8
Parang, parang, may album din ako, kunwari, gano'n.
02:51.9
Nire-record ko sa bahay.
02:52.9
My parents were really supportive, like...
02:54.6
Pero, yung time na yun na nagsusulat ka na, kumakanta ka na,
02:58.2
musical influences mo nun, lahat?
03:00.1
Time na yun, ano na, rock na. Glam rock, actually, like, bands like
03:03.9
Guns N' Roses, Skid Row, Bon Jovi, mga gano'n.
03:08.3
Rock star talaga.
03:09.3
Doon ako na-inlove sa music.
03:10.4
Before kasi, parang na-inlove ako sa guitar.
03:12.4
Parang, kahit ano tututugin ko ba sa magigitara ako?
03:15.4
Pero, hindi ko masabi na I love music in general.
03:18.3
You know, I just love playing guitar.
03:19.8
Na-inlove ka sa music, musical influences,
03:23.0
finally, pumunta ka ng Manila, you studied in LaSalle.
03:26.5
I studied business management.
03:29.6
school, an accounting class.
03:31.1
Of course, I wasn't listening.
03:32.6
I was writing a song in class.
03:35.1
The usual, mga artist, di ba, nakikinig sa school.
03:38.2
Tapos, yun nga, eh, yung katabi ko, napansin niya na,
03:41.8
yun nga, I was writing a song.
03:43.0
Tapos, he introduced himself.
03:44.9
Sabi niya, may banda daw siya.
03:46.5
Tapos, through him, I got to meet my...
03:48.7
yung naging bandmates ko sa Hungry Young Poets.
03:51.0
Ano yung music niyo when you started it?
03:53.2
So, when I met them, especially Ricky,
03:55.2
si Franklin came in a bit later.
03:57.2
So, I had my songs na, di ba, from high school,
04:00.3
So, yun, he was the one who really helped me
04:03.5
put it together na in-arrange.
04:05.0
Yung kanta na magbuka siyang ano,
04:06.5
kumbaga, linilis.
04:08.5
Magbuka na siyang totoo.
04:09.4
Mayroon, wow, mga totoo na to.
04:11.2
Gumawa kami ng demo tapes.
04:12.7
Pinadala namin sa mga record labels.
04:15.7
Wala kasing YouTube noon.
04:16.8
So, kung meron kang song, hindi yung katulad ngayon.
04:19.8
You can just put it on Spotify, on YouTube, dati.
04:22.7
Talagang kakarari mo yan.
04:24.1
Pupunta ka sa mga record label.
04:27.6
Ganun talaga yun.
04:28.1
Walang coincidence sa demos namin.
04:29.4
Pero, ang nag-start kaming tumugtog sa bars.
04:33.4
Like, Ricky had another gig with Jet Pangan group.
04:37.9
So, Jet Pangan at the time, di ba, he's with Don.
04:39.9
But he had a solo career at the time.
04:44.2
So, he was so kind.
04:45.2
He would let me be his intermission number.
04:48.1
A guy who was opening another bar,
04:50.8
it's called Freedom Bar.
04:51.8
So, he asked me, di ba, Monday nights, lowest night.
04:54.3
He's like, you wanna have a gig in my bar?
04:56.8
Every Monday, like that.
04:58.4
So, I don't know.
04:59.3
It's like a practice.
05:00.3
Yeah, parang, yeah.
05:01.3
And then, a couple of months later, yung Eraserheads, tumugtog doon.
05:04.3
So, nag-open kami sa kanila.
05:06.3
Starstruck ka, Eraserheads?
05:07.3
Si Eheads nung time na yun.
05:10.3
But, you know, they're down-to-earth, these guys.
05:11.3
So, when you meet them backstage, they're very kind and, yeah.
05:16.3
So, doon na, since we got to open for them, for Eheads and other bands, yung mga label
05:22.3
heads na, kasi sila, di ba, meron na silang label, napapanood din kami kasi nga nag-open
05:29.3
And that's where we got our first meeting with Sony and we made an album.
05:34.3
Kamusta yung release ng first album?
05:37.3
Feel like everything that was happening just happened so fast to me na parang bigla na
05:43.3
We were signed na.
05:44.3
Parang hindi ko pa nakikita yung meaning niya.
05:45.3
Yun nga, hindi ko siya dream name.
05:46.3
Pero nung nangyari na siya, yun nga, naging busy na.
05:49.3
May mga bar tour na, may mga mall tour, may mga gigs na.
05:56.3
But, at the same time, siguro wala rin akong nag-agamit.
05:59.3
Ito yung guide sa akin.
06:00.3
Siyempre, rockstar lifestyle yun.
06:02.3
Gigs every night.
06:03.3
Gigs every night.
06:04.3
Siyempre, kung banda, inuman.
06:07.3
Siyempre, you work in the bar, right?
06:09.3
Yeah, and you were like Barbie Almalbiz, the cool girl at that time.
06:14.3
From Hungry yung Poets, biglang nag-Barbie's Cradle na, di ba?
06:18.3
Tapos wala, everything blew up na.
06:20.3
Sunod-sunod na yun.
06:22.3
The shows, the radio plays ng mga song.
06:25.3
Yeah, it was just, yeah, everything just happened.
06:28.3
At 19 years old, you got depressed?
06:31.3
Well, at the time, wala namang masyado pa mag-diagnosis nun eh.
06:34.3
Walang therapist, I call it.
06:36.3
I mean, there is, pero hindi siya openly.
06:38.3
Yeah, it wasn't...
06:40.3
During the 90s and late 90s, walang ganun-ganun.
06:43.3
Sariling ano lang yun.
06:44.3
Sariling sikap, paano ka makakasurvive dito.
06:46.3
Sa mental health mo, oo.
06:47.3
Kanya-kanyang survival to.
06:51.3
So, you describe that era as a dark phase in your life.
06:54.3
Yeah, it must be the darkest.
06:55.3
Like, you know, some people won't even...
06:57.3
They think that, you know, I must be living the dream.
07:00.3
I was in school and I had this successful...
07:03.3
Yeah, I'm earning na, ganun-ganun.
07:06.3
So, they're like, but when they get to know me, parang, why are you so sad?
07:09.3
Parang, why are you so insecure?
07:10.3
Why are you so, you know...
07:13.3
I was really down.
07:15.3
Noong time na height ng karyer mo, you were sad?
07:17.3
Somewhere there in the middle.
07:18.3
Like, yeah, after a few years.
07:19.3
Because I feel like...
07:21.3
What was the feeling?
07:23.3
I felt like music was the only thing I really enjoyed.
07:25.3
Like, what I wanted to do.
07:27.3
And, came to a point na even music couldn't make me happy.
07:31.3
Parang, ano pa ba?
07:33.3
But, it was really brought about.
07:34.3
But, like what you said earlier.
07:37.3
Yung lifestyle ng...
07:39.3
Ng rock and roll.
07:41.3
Took me a couple of years nga to realize that.
07:45.3
That there's that void in my heart that success couldn't fill.
07:48.3
So, I said, maybe more.
07:50.3
Maybe more of this, more of that.
07:52.3
Even, yun, relationships.
07:53.3
One after the other na parang hindi nag-work.
07:57.3
The more that I tried to fill that void in my heart with these things.
08:01.3
The more the void...
08:04.3
The emptier I felt.
08:05.3
The bigger the void.
08:07.3
The bigger the void.
08:09.3
So, I was really lost.
08:10.3
I also was very confused about what I believed in.
08:13.3
Philosophy class.
08:15.3
Naggulong-gulo na ako eh.
08:16.3
Kasi kung ano-anong mga iba-ibang beliefs na in-entertain ko.
08:19.3
Kasi nga, yun eh.
08:21.3
I was exploring during that time.
08:23.3
So, I was really down.
08:25.3
And, I just said to God.
08:27.3
I didn't even know if I believed in God at that point.
08:29.3
But, I was like, God, I don't know if You're real.
08:31.3
But, if, you know, You can hear me if You're really real.
08:35.3
Parang, I desperately need You.
08:38.3
Parang, just let me know if You're real.
08:40.3
You prayed that prayer?
08:41.3
I prayed that prayer.
08:42.3
Because I was really down and desperate.
08:44.3
And, hindi ko na alam ano pa bang...
08:47.3
I couldn't make myself happy anymore.
08:51.3
Even music that I loved.
08:53.3
I would hold my guitar and play.
08:56.3
Nothing could pick me up.
08:59.3
Before, I was up and down, up and down.
09:00.3
But, at one point, it was just down.
09:02.3
So, after you prayed?
09:04.3
So, after I prayed.
09:05.3
So, I already had friends, actually, who were sharing with me about...
09:07.3
I mean, like I said, my family was, you know, always serving in church.
09:11.3
So, alam ko na to eh.
09:12.3
Yung information na to about God, about Jesus.
09:15.3
But, it's just that, hindi ko lang siya talagang...
09:18.3
I lived my own way, you know.
09:20.3
But, at that point, I had some friends who were telling me na,
09:28.3
And, I was really like...
09:29.3
At that time, nag-a-argue talaga ako na hindi totoo yan.
09:33.3
Ginagamit ko lang kung ano yung tingin ko.
09:36.3
Kung logic ko kung ano yung tama.
09:39.3
My friend, like...
09:41.3
She's a good friend of mine.
09:42.3
She gave me a student bible.
09:43.3
It's a big bible.
09:44.3
So, I started reading it.
09:46.3
I saw this verse that said,
09:48.3
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
09:52.3
I couldn't believe in Him.
09:54.3
I wanted something.
09:55.3
So, when I saw that verse, nakita ko na why I can't see Him.
09:58.3
Parang biglang nag-highlight.
10:00.3
Alam ko na kasi lahat ng pinaggagawa ko na I don't care for anything.
10:04.3
I just wanted to just follow my heart.
10:06.3
So, alam ko ayaw ni God to ayaw ni God.
10:09.3
So, it's like, ah, okay.
10:11.3
Now, I know why I can't see God.
10:14.3
My heart isn't pure.
10:18.3
I was on the floor already.
10:19.3
But, I went down.
10:20.3
I was on my knees.
10:21.3
And then, I just sat there in my room.
10:24.3
I surrendered to Him.
10:25.3
I said na, you know, I've tried it my way.
10:28.3
And, this is where I am.
10:29.3
Parang, I want to do it your way now.
10:32.3
Parang, I want to follow you.
10:35.3
And, I was in my room, crying.
10:37.3
And then, started talking to my mom, opening up to my mom about the struggles that I had been facing.
10:44.3
Parang, everyday, pag ano nababasa ko sa Bible, pinatry kong sundin.
10:51.3
I tried to, you know.
10:52.3
With His help, parang, started to change my life little by little.
10:57.3
I had friends helping me out.
10:59.3
I had a Bible study na ganyan.
11:03.3
Talagang, it was amazing.
11:04.3
It was really fast.
11:05.3
Parang, unti-unti, nawawala yung ano.
11:09.3
Parang, yung bigat.
11:11.3
Every Sunday nga eh.
11:12.3
Parang, ginujoke na ako ng friends ko sa church.
11:14.3
Kasi, every Sunday, umiiyak ako sa church.
11:16.3
Umiiyak ka na naman.
11:18.3
Every Sunday, pag may preaching, feeling ko ako yung kinakausap.
11:21.3
Gabi yung iyak ko.
11:22.3
It was like that.
11:23.3
Like, every Sunday.
11:24.3
It was like, you know, for more than a year, it was like God was doing a work.
11:30.3
Cleansing a lot of.
11:31.3
And, I couldn't stop telling my friends.
11:33.3
Because, like, my friends were also rock and roll with me, you know.
11:37.3
All this time, we think, we think we could find, you know, this, this life in, you know,
11:42.3
partying, in relationships, ganun.
11:44.3
But, yun nga, it's God.
11:46.3
It's, it's, it's really dun.
11:48.3
Siya pala, all along, yung hinahanap ko.
11:51.3
So, yan ang mga struggles na hindi alam ng mga tao or yung mga fans who follow you.
11:58.3
Because, at that time, they look at you and they see, wow, she achieved it.
12:03.3
She reached her dream.
12:04.3
Pero, you were silently in pain and looking for something bigger than all of this.
12:13.3
If there's one thing that you want to share to the youth who are watching us right now,
12:19.3
who's been there?
12:20.3
Who are going through this stage?
12:22.3
Na you are 16, 17, you wanna be known, you wanna be famous, you wanna pursue a career,
12:28.3
you wanna enter a band.
12:30.3
Well, one of the things, if I could tell my younger self siguro,
12:33.3
one of the reasons why I was insecure nga and I was sad and didn't really know how to find my way,
12:40.3
it's actually very simple.
12:42.3
It's I didn't know God loves me.
12:44.3
You're not sure, you don't experience that God really does love you and wants to take care of you.
12:48.3
You end up striving.
12:49.3
Parang kailangan ko gawin ito, kailangan ko gawin ito.
12:53.3
But when you start to have that relationship with Him and know that He loves you,
12:58.3
parang He's not about God withholds no good thing from He whose walk is blameless, right?
13:02.3
He will not withhold your happiness.
13:05.3
He will not withhold the true love that you're seeking.
13:07.3
You know what I mean?
13:08.3
Yung mga dreams mo.
13:11.3
I guess that's where I am now in this stage in my life.
13:15.3
There's still struggles.
13:16.3
There's still problems.
13:18.3
But I can parang always find my, I guess, center.
13:23.3
Parang gano'n kay God.
13:24.3
Alam ko kasi kung ano man kung may hindi maganda na nangyari, alam ko may purpose siya eh.
13:28.3
God changed pretty much everything, you know, in my life.
13:32.3
And one of those things was also school.
13:34.3
Like my desire to go back to school.
13:37.3
I went back to school.
13:38.3
I was the first case.
13:40.3
So when I tried to go back, sabi niya, this has never happened before.
13:43.3
Nobody's like gotten their leave.
13:45.3
I mean, AWOL did this.
13:46.3
And now, gustong bumalik.
13:47.3
So hindi namin alam kagawin namin sayo.
13:49.3
Sabi nila, mag-entrance exam ka na lang ulit.
13:52.3
Kung pumasa ka, then you can, you can continue your course.
13:58.3
So and then it took me two years to finish my course.
14:01.3
But I was gigging at the time.
14:03.3
Nag may music ka pa rin?
14:05.3
Pero yun nga, wala na masyadong mga kung ano-ano pang extracurricular.
14:08.3
Walang extracurricular.
14:09.3
I would like do my homework in between sets.
14:13.3
Pero happy na, happy ka na yung heart mo nun?
14:17.3
My heart was ano na?
14:21.3
And I also, from that time, it was like actually six years na parang I forgot.
14:26.3
I don't ever want to be in a relationship na hindi galing sayo.
14:30.3
It was like that.
14:31.3
Just music and my walk with God for six years.
14:35.3
And then you met your husband.
14:38.3
So Martin and I went to the same church.
14:42.3
For Victory in Alabang.
14:43.3
So three years kaming ano.
14:46.3
Hindi nga kami friends eh.
14:47.3
Ano kayo nung time na yun?
14:49.3
Ako yung tons lang.
14:50.3
Uy, kakain kayo sa baba.
14:56.3
Paano nag-open yung heart na you looked at him differently?
14:59.3
Pero just some conversations that we had, parang bigla kong nagkaka-crush na talaga sa kanya.
15:06.3
But since I had those feelings, mas lalo ko siyang nilalayuan.
15:10.3
Parang ayoko siyang kausapin.
15:11.3
Nilalayaan mo dahil you're scared?
15:13.3
Because I don't want to make the same mistake.
15:15.3
The same mistakes that I did before.
15:19.3
It is the fear nga.
15:20.3
For some reason, mahihain yan siya.
15:21.3
But for some reason, mas lumalapit na siya nung time na yun.
15:24.3
Parang nagkakaroon kami ng mga brief conversations.
15:30.3
Puro lang about God.
15:31.3
About music also.
15:32.3
He's also into music eh.
15:34.3
May crush na rin siya sa iyo nun?
15:37.3
Parang halos sabay kami na we like each other.
15:40.3
Pero ano lang, kinikimkim.
15:41.3
May pagkikimkim ng mga feelings.
15:45.3
Nangyari na pala nito.
15:48.3
He had the same…
15:49.3
Something similar was happening din sa kanya.
15:52.3
Na hindi na siya marunong manligaw.
15:55.3
So, ganun na siya.
15:56.3
Parang katulungan mo naman ako kung manligaw.
16:01.3
Crush ka na pala niya talaga.
16:02.3
Ganun pala nito niya later na.
16:03.3
Halos sabay kami.
16:05.3
So, lumabas kami.
16:06.3
After church kami, babarkada kami.
16:09.3
Nag-dinner kami sa isang restaurant.
16:11.3
Pagdating doon, nag-order na.
16:13.3
Nung isa, nakita niya yung family niya sa same restaurant.
16:19.3
Usama muna ako sa family ko.
16:20.3
Nandun sila sa kabilang table.
16:22.3
Tapos mamaya-maya, yung isa naman, sabi niya,
16:28.3
Kailangan ko na umalis.
16:30.3
Kasi tutugtog pa ako sa…
16:39.3
Sinetop nila yun na may…
16:43.3
Nag-aalisan ang mga tao sa table.
16:46.3
Naiwan kaming dalawa.
16:48.3
So, parang alam mo,
16:50.3
especially I would say that it was like romantic.
16:52.3
Actually, you know, it was painful.
16:54.3
Because I was so self-conscious.
16:57.3
It was so awkward.
16:58.3
It was so painful.
17:01.3
You know what I mean?
17:04.3
Anong pag-uusapan?
17:06.3
Actually, ano mo ang pinag-uusapan?
17:07.3
Awkward, awkward.
17:08.3
Sobrang awkward kami pareho.
17:09.3
We're so shy towards each other.
17:10.3
Because we started to like each other na.
17:12.3
Nagkasama kami every Sunday.
17:13.3
Minsan magmo-movie kami as a group.
17:15.3
May kilig-kilig na yun.
17:17.3
Kasi kaya I like him na eh.
17:19.3
Siyempre parang you like him na.
17:20.3
Tapos nakikita mo rin he's treating you a bit special, right?
17:25.3
Pero wala pa siyang sinasabi.
17:29.3
Habi ka, anong gagawin ko dito sa feelings ko na to?
17:31.3
Kasi siyempre mas nahuhulog ka na.
17:32.3
Pero wala siyang ginagawa.
17:35.3
One time sinamahan niya ako sa gig.
17:36.3
Tapos nasa backstage kami.
17:37.3
Ay biglang nag-alisan yung kasama ko sa room.
17:38.3
Biglang tumingin siya sa akin.
17:40.3
Tapos sabi niya, Barb.
17:44.3
Tapos sabi niya…
17:50.3
So na-realize ko.
17:51.3
Ah, may plano naman pala to.
17:53.3
Hindi lang maka-timing.
17:57.3
Pag gusto ka talaga ng lalaki, alam mo.
17:58.3
Ako feeling ko ganun.
17:59.3
Pag gusto talaga ng lalaki, alam mo.
18:00.3
Pag gusto talaga ikaw ng isang lalaki and pure yung pagkagusto sayo, may torpe.
18:06.3
Nakakaduda yung…
18:07.3
Nakakaduda yung…
18:08.3
Masyadong fresh yan.
18:10.3
Yung parang fresh ko agad.
18:12.3
Blah, blah, blah.
18:14.3
Parang alam mo nang…
18:15.3
Ay, parang praktisado na ito ah.
18:18.3
Pero yung parang hindi ka alam i-approach.
18:19.3
Parang feeling ko yun ang talagang gusto ka.
18:23.3
And then it was October.
18:24.3
By December, nag-ano na.
18:30.3
Mayroon na siya na…
18:36.3
Paano niya sinabi?
18:40.3
Sabi niya, have you noticed that lately I've been prioritizing you?
18:41.3
I've been prioritizing you?
18:42.3
Sabi niya sa akin.
18:45.3
Parang is that okay?
18:46.3
Sabi niya kasi I just wanna make habits.
18:47.3
I wanna make this into a habit.
18:48.3
Like that I wanna get used to.
18:49.3
Like that I wanna keep doing this for…
18:54.3
Or for a long time.
18:55.3
Or parang ganyan-ganyan.
18:56.3
So sabi ko sa kanya.
18:59.3
Maintain the habit.
19:00.3
Tinulungan ko na lang siya.
19:01.3
So tinuloy-tuloy na?
19:03.3
By April, we got engaged na.
19:04.3
Then we got married in May.
19:06.3
December, Januari, February, March, April, nag-propose.
19:07.3
So six years of just like, just me and God, you know?
19:09.3
When God wrote the story, it was very quick, you know?
19:11.3
You know, He cleaned your heart first bago niya binigay yung rightful love.
19:27.3
brick-break hungry for you.
19:28.4
Para pag together na kayo, di ba?
19:31.6
It's two whole people.
19:32.6
Although, of course, it's still a work in progress.
19:34.4
It's a work in progress.
19:36.6
17 years of marriage.
19:39.4
You know, we're all…
19:42.3
Gr stubborn yung 17 years.
19:43.5
No, you're getting it.
19:45.5
I mean, man, like that, 17 years… something I couldn't have imagined or do on my own,
19:52.3
So if you were to finish the sentence, 20-24 ngayon…
19:56.9
Seven years in the music industry, 17 years married, two beautiful children, Barbie, Almalbis, Honasan, Is.
20:05.4
Wow. I am just a recipient of God's grace. God is so good. He loves me.
20:12.2
I am still feeling guilty because when I go to church, I don't do what I want to do.
20:26.2
God, if I go here, it's not like this.
20:28.6
It's not like this.
20:29.3
Because every time I go to church, I know that there's something like this.
20:32.8
It's my favorite chair. I know there's a preaching there.
20:37.4
But it's still there. It's sitting there.
20:38.6
So you're aware. You're here. You're praying.
20:40.2
Okay, God. But there's something like this on the side.
20:42.2
There's something like this. There's something like this. There's something like this on the back.
20:45.0
God, if I go here, it's like this.
20:46.8
God, it's really good to write a love story.
20:50.7
We have a trivia.
20:52.6
Barbie's father-in-law is Senator Gringo Honasan.
20:56.6
Yeah, I watched your episode.
20:58.7
Grabe! I found out. You're her father-in-law.
21:02.4
Our historic Gringo Honasan.
21:06.7
Hello, Papa Mama.
21:08.0
How is he as a father-in-law?
21:11.4
Oh, he's very good.
21:12.2
Yeah, I can't ask for a better father.
21:14.5
No, he's really a wonderful person and really kind and doting grandfather.
21:20.1
Parang ano, yeah, ano siya.
21:22.2
Karinyo brutal sa mga ano niya.
21:24.2
Pwede niya kagatin yung mga tinga, kagatin niya.
